Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
#oldknees
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?