I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
You Might Also Like
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
War & Peace
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
New comic up. “Ransom”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you