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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”