WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
mentally somewhere in italy
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Straight people are cancelled
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
#ParentingFacts
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day