Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus