My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
just having fun
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!