I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You Might Also Like
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Dead
Alive
Other✔