I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.