Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?