8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
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the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”