I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
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Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.