When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.