You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
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Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Selfie
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.