[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
quarantine day 3
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?