Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?