DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
How much for the goth pool noodles?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies