My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Baller is short for ballerina
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Autocorrect is my menesis