My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
2022: I can fix it
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?