Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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There is no “we” in pizza
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
not seeing the problem
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?