Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
it’s the silliest best thing
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
No, I don’t think I will.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*