Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Awesome parenting 😂
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.