You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.