sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.