Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
You Might Also Like
nothing saves money like being antisocial
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.