I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Thrilling chase underway
I had to Stop for this
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Cat.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]