On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.