It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked