Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
This made me chuckle cuz mood
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.