Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.