Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
checking out some reviews of my local library
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
same energy
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.