I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I thought this was funny lol
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
They got Raph!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*checks Timeline*…
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.