*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.