If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”