[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
LA today:
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
scares
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.