Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator