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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes