What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago