I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.