It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁