“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent