Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Received some very disappointing news today
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit