Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind