“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
584.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
👾👾👾
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
multitasking lunch
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”