I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.