saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me, in DM rooms…
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.