I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.