Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!