At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.