*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.