Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My kitchen overserved me.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.